Apparently I’m lost because I’m trying to find myself lately. There is a lot of
daydreaming serious thinking happening here and I’m not used to that; usually I just read or play games or knit, but now everything is kind of tinged with a “…maybe I should try….” or a “…I could try this, I suppose…” and it’s happening more and more. Am I going through another kind of puberty God forbid?
As a musician and teacher, I played several instruments fairly well. Now I have absolutely zero interest in picking up an instrument, so what does that make me? Most real musicians would never let their skills fade, so does that mean I was a sham? I loved teaching, but I was lonely because the music department was two people, and I longed to be a “team” like a grade level or subject matter. Now I wonder if I could ever do that again (and judging by the response to the resumes I’ve sent out, probably not) or have I given up because of the bad association with my former job?
I used to do beautiful calligraphy, and as well as the obligatory envelopes for weddings, I would write and illustrate quotes for selling at craft fairs and I enjoyed it. But again, I haven’t done it in so long, and do I have all the hubris to think I am still good enough? Drawing/illustrating is so pleasurable yet I am so highly critical of myself that it’s easier not to start.
Writing has always appealed to me as well. I blog to give me practice in writing on a regular basis (stop laughing, it’s regular for me) so that perhaps I can write this young adult novel that’s been kicking around my head, so if that’s good enough I can write the book I really want to write.
I used to sing. All the time. It occurred to me that the last time I really sang was at Christmas Eve services which was over eight months ago. What happened to me? Where have I gone? Who have I become?
I think I have become someone who is actually enjoying not working at a Monday-Friday job, and puttering about the home. I am spending a ridiculous amount of time on my iPad, but I am reading so much, it’s not just games. It’s a lot of games, but it’s also a ton of reading. I am knitting and actually finishing things. I can meet people for lunch. During the day. During the week. (I know!)
I am also sort of hovering. Is this my new reality? Is this temporary? Will I ever be employed by someone else again? (Part of me really hopes “no.”) Could I write/illustrate/sell a book? Can anybody point me towards a real shot of self-confidence?