My Exhausting Night with Hugh

Good Lord, that man….

I am exhausted.  From his opening bounce, I was ecstatic because that’s one of my particularly favorite clips from Bobby Van and I thought “No way, in a tux and regular shoes?”  But bounce he did, although he did take a couple of breaks which from my very athletic and 0% body fat view (do I even need to show the sarcasm font here?) seemed like cheating, but when you are Hugh Jackman and you clearly are in primo physical shape, you get to take a break whenever you want.

I watch people like him and the back-up dancers and the clearly boneless Neil Patrick Harris and people who can jump up onto a step with both legs and I marvel.  I don’t think my body has ever worked like that, not even when I was a fearless four-year-old who could accomplish anything.  My body just doesn’t work that way.  Why?

Is it because I never had dancing lessons?  Is it because I was never a runner?  Is it because all of my favorite things to do (knitting, reading, watching movies, drinking tea, drawing) require sitting?  Is it something I can blame on my parents?  Because I’m always looking for something or someone to blame!  Who the hell invented food to be so tasty?  Can I blame him/her?  Why don’t my legs or my arms bend like Hugh’s?  Was he born with the svelte gene?  Where does all that energy come from?  Is he one of those people who surreptitiously suck all the energy out of other people when they’re not looking, like some weird episode of Doctor Who?  Does he live at the gym?  What did we do before we had gyms?  Why do we have gyms?  Why isn’t taking a nice walk in the evening or the early morning equivalent to however many crunchy-thrusty things people with six-pack abs tell you are necessary for your survival?

AND HE SINGS WHILE HE’S DOING ALL THAT STUFF.  Look, I can either sing OR I can move.  I can’t do both and still look like I’m human.  I was admiring the tap-dancing gangsters and realized they’re doing all those moves in suits.  With shirts and ties and stuff.  How are they not ripping their clothes and sweating buckets and having their makeup run down in a very grotesque way?  What is the secret?  And the guy who won for Genie in Aladdin?  How does he make awesome moves like that eight times a week and maintain his very impressive size?  I could maintain that size OR I could bust the moves.  (Alright, I could bust the moves with some serious help.)  How is that even done?  How is he not wringing out a towel of his sweat wearing a costume and makeup and moving and singing and under the hot lights?

Just another way to make me feel inadequate.  Thanks a lot, Tonys.



Sing it, bro.




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4 responses to “My Exhausting Night with Hugh

  1. Hillary

    I’d like to imagine that Hugh got home/to the hotel, collapsed into bed or on the couch and slept all morning waking up to an achy body.
    And about NPH. He did all of that moving around in HEELS! If I tried to jump off of something in 2 inch heels I’d break an ankle or two. His must have been 4-5 inches.. Is that the fabulous gene he was born with or something else?

  2. I danced a lot when I was younger, but then hip hop dancing became a thing so I sat down. Just the other night, I saw a woman on “I Wanna Marry Harry” (shut up, it’s summer and I don’t have cable) demonstrate to the other women how to twerk, and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea for me to play along at home. It was the saddest thing ever. I got the actual movement right, but it was at least 80% slower than normal twerking.

    • Ok, that’s a lot of mental images to process, but I disagree about the saddest thing ever. That would be ME attempting to twerk, 80% slow or not. But I give you props, friend. ::snaps fingers::

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