Guys, this might be the last time I write. I’m in such serious trouble right now and I see no way out of it. Remember me fondly, m’kay?
See, it’s snowing. And even though I know it’s the law, I did not go to the grocery store and buy bread OR milk. I know, I have no right to even call myself an American. I mean, it’s not like it was a surprise snowstorm or anything, the weather bobbleheads on the idiot box have been warning us for DAYS that there’s going to be some “serious weather” happening this weekend. I just didn’t do what I’m supposed to do in these situations:
- I did not pile on enough sweaters and scarves and mitts (although all fabulously handmade by moi) and brush off my car and drive slowly through the wet streets to the nearest Purveyor of Food and Necessary Stuff.
- I did not park like a jerk and take up just enough of the nearby spot so somebody approaches it hopefully and then realizes there’s just no way to fit into the meager leftover inches and drives away snarling.
- I did not load my cart with enough gallons of milk to make hot chocolate for the neighborhood for the next week, thereby ensuring that at least half of it would go bad and that nobody else would have any. (Milk as currency: look into this.)
- I did not also pick up loaves of bread, ostensibly to make sure when the inevitable NEED for French toast arrives I will be well equipped. After all, no home is legally allowed to be without the makings for French toast, although why that is I’m not quite sure because shouldn’t it be American? Not French? Like maybe mac and cheese, or grilled cheese and tomato soup? (Look into this.)
- I did not also pick up potato chips, dip, pigs in blankets, bagel bites, cookies, candy, or anything remotely resembling football halftime food. Have you ever noticed nobody makes a run for fresh broccoli or tilapia?
- I did not drive home cursing and driving like a maniac with no regard for basic traffic laws.
- I did not arrive home with said booty and post it on various social media sites as if to say “hey look I got mine which MURICA!”
I expect the Snow Police to be here any second.